Hello people,
here I am, once again deep down in the pit of despair. What are the odds huh?
I don't know what my problem is. That I spend way too much time daydreaming than I do living? That I have a surprisingly low self-esteem and yet I can't bring myself to look up to other people? What a weird creature that I am.
Also, what a stupid creature I am, since I've always made the same fucking mistake of falling for the wrong people.
Yes, in six years I haven't learned a freaking thing about love.
Go me.
The thing is, I want to live my life to its fullest, I do. I just can't.
You will wonder why. No? Well, I do.
And I also think -yay me, I think- that if I go around and brag about how I am the single-for-life kinda gal, I shouldn't fall for anyone at all. I mean, I love being single, not having to worry about when we'll see each other, if we'll see each other and so on and so forth.
Also, the simple fact that I'm not a people person, specifically a person person {as in one-on-one} prevents me from having a relationship.
So what? I'm sure that every sane person would say '"wtf? Just don't think about it".
Easy!
I'll just avoid thinking about girls in general all day long, possibly all night long, all my life long. Well, maybe not that long.
Still, the point is, I'm a teen. Need I say more? How the heck am I supposed to *not* think about sex -at least-?!
Anyway, let's switch gears.
How am I supposed to not think about love when I think about *her* at least once a day?
I can't believe it, and yet it's true. Hell, if anyone told me I'd laugh my arse off.
And yet in six years there hasn't been a single day in which I haven't give her at least a passing thought.
It's not an obsession. {might sound untrue, but it's the truth}
It's just, out of the blue she sneaks into my thoughts and then *poof*. As I said {written?} a passing thought.
I had a point here, somewhere.
Oh right, same freaking mistake.
When I fell for her I didn't even realize until it was too late. Late for what? Closure, rejection, acceptance? I don't know. I just know that the 'love of my life' has happened without me noticing, and since then everything seems to be the same way. Big days come and go, and I'm never there. Heh, I'm probably looking like a freak, not being there while my own life goes on. Ok, as a teen I'm bound to be melodramatic and then some, but...
Heh, I'm a total disaster.
After teacher fiasco n°1, I couldn't get a grip and understand that maybe teachers aren't really my thing, noooo, I had to go and get fab teacher fiasco n°2!
Gosh. It's incredible. I...I almost had believed in it. I thought she...nevermind. I shouldn't have thought at all -it's well known my mental process isn't really healthy-. I knew she had a girl. I knew and I blissfully ignored it. Until the truth poked me and mocked me "See? She has a girl and she doesn't give a damn about you." Ok, maybe I *am* being melodramatic, but I can't help it, I just wanted to vent some.
So, I got my truth, my heartache yadda yadda. Bets on how long it'll last, anyone?
I hope I can manage tomorrow. Well, almost today. I have been in a foul mood all today, and it's not helping. Ah well, I'll need to go through with my plan in any case, ya know, for closure. I'll probably say something along the lines of "Hi, I wanted to ask you a thing which I shouldn't even have asked you since I already knew the answer, but I kept ignoring it so here I am to ask you anyway. However I already found out what I wanted to know, so goodbye and have a nice day."
Yeah, that'll do. Truly charming. Jeez.
Heh. See ya folks.
