And I'm here as usual in flow-writing mode.
I'm starting a new life! After graduation....but let's start from the very beginning.

During my last year of high school I had totally given up, not because I couldn't make it, but because I thought I wouldn't make it in one piece. Being in a hatred-filled, bigoted, jealous environment didn't really help any kind of productivity, plus having to keep up the masquerade at home....
Home that should e the ultimate sanctuary, the place where you can be weak and defeated.
I didn't have that kind of place. Or better, I had it in places where I'd never have looked.
Family friends demonstrated more caring than any of my 'school friends', and for my 18th birthday I felt a pang to my heart when those people welcomed me among them.

After that I wanted to keep that part of me that was still able to feel...anything at all, and I thought that going through the remaining three-four months alone against everyone would destroy it.
Mind you, I wasn't totally wrong. But I wasn't exactly right either. Maybe I have more faith in people than I should, and it hasn't proven healthy. I made a choice the first year between belonging and being 'me'. I wanted to belong, but I was so out of phase that the effort to get into the social dynamics drained the energies that should have gone into studying.
Seeing as I ended up a pariah anyway, I now realize that I should have just gone my way.
Also the teachers didn't really help. I mean, ok, everyone said that I was given, that I could if only I tried, but no one really understood why I didn't try. Only two people got it, and one of them just to some extent.

Second year, Science teacher, she didn't linger on anything but what she knew would stimulate me, she always wanted more and more, without stopping to think whether having her pay so much attention to me would set my classmates against me. And that was one of the proudest moments in my school life. I remember this one particular time, I had just got back from the hospital after ten days and she called me out to orally me. I thought I wouldn't have managed to say anything at all, but -maybe for dumb luck, maybe me and the teacher were on the same wave lenght- I understood exactly what she was asking, what she wanted, and I got an excellent grade.
After that my supposedly best friend -who had also been called- got angry at me for having got a good grade.

And that's what scared me the most. Having people turn on me for...what? Nothing. For doing the same thing they were doing. 
I could understand being marginalized for being a lesbian, for being black, heck, even for being a woman. But I couldn't see why I couldn't be with them being...like them. Surviving school and everything.

Anyway, after graduation everything sort of...hit home, and virtually everything clicked into place. One of my teachers had an argument with me in class in which he said many hurtful things, like....they hurt. And they were so close to the truth that I had suspected he was doing it on purpose. And I kinda got the confirmation during the summer. 
After passing the admission test I went back to my high school to give the teachers the good -great- news, and I'll admit it, to rub it in their faces.
There were exactly three teachers who had supported me and my choice right from the start, and they were ecstatic. The others were pleasantly surprised, proud -for having given me a chance-, even mockingly surprised. But that one teacher that had yelled at me yadda yadda, he was on the verge of tears. He got goosebumps and started saying things about me that I never thought I'd hear from, well, anybody, let alone from him. He was talking so highly of me, how he had tried to get me to get to my full potential throughout the years, and it was so damn weird, but also I felt proud, because he had been that way because he knew I could take it. 
And however pissed at him I might be -because it sure ain't pleasant having one screaming at you- I realized that I could take it, that even at my worst I could face the world. And I'll be forever grateful for that. To him, for having tried, to whatever force granted me the strength to withstand it all.

So now I'm in my new room, my roomie in the other room, the other roomie at work and I'm waiting for two to come so I can go to lesson at the University. I feel so good, so cool WOO HOO.
Just feel so fucking good. I left my nest and I'm at the feet of a giant mountain and I'll learn to fly to overcome it! Because now I know I can and I'll never doubt it again. I can do it, I am doing it, I will get to the end without losing pieces along the way.

Hasta luego!

Jeez, this post is really old! Don't know why I hadn't posted it, but it's so weird that I'll post it now.

So wassup folks?

I can finally say that I'm OUTTA SCHOOL!!!

Yes, that's the naked truth, I am Out. Of. School. Yay me!! So, I was totally convinced that I'd fail the year, and the worst part is that I thought "Well, in that case I'd get to see her again for a whole year." which didn't help my studying. I could picture long talks of "Hey, it's ok, bright side you'll do great this time around.", and that's so ridiculous that borders insane.

Anyway, she's so...cute. Darn. I'm not supposed to think that. I'm not suppose to give her more than a passing thought! Well then, let's banish those thoughts and next time I'll see her I'll...err...wave! Yes, I'll wave and mouth a small 'Hello' like I do with everyone. Well, almost everyone.

Hey, last time it worked! And in that case it was really a casuality {a purposeful casuality if you want to be picky}, but a casuality nevertheless. And all I did was small-wave and small-smile.

That's settled then, wave and smile, like the penguins of Madagascar! After all I'm 'cute and cuddly' too! :p

Hello people,
here I am, once again deep down in the pit of despair. What are the odds huh? 
I don't know what my problem is. That I spend way too much time daydreaming than I do living? That I have a surprisingly low self-esteem and yet I can't bring myself to look up to other people? What a weird creature that I am.
Also, what a stupid creature I am, since I've always made the same fucking mistake of falling for the wrong people. 
Yes, in six years I haven't learned a freaking thing about love. 

Go me.

The thing is, I want to live my life to its fullest, I do. I just can't.
You will wonder why. No? Well, I do. 
And I also think -yay me, I think- that if I go around and brag about how I am the single-for-life kinda gal, I shouldn't fall for anyone at all. I mean, I love being single, not having to worry about when we'll see each other, if we'll see each other and so on and so forth.
Also, the simple fact that I'm not a people person, specifically a person person {as in one-on-one} prevents me from having a relationship. 
So what? I'm sure that every sane person would say '"wtf? Just don't think about it".

Easy!
I'll just avoid thinking about girls in general all day long, possibly all night long, all my life long. Well, maybe not that long.
Still, the point is, I'm a teen. Need I say more? How the heck am I supposed to *not* think about sex -at least-?!
Anyway, let's switch gears.
How am I supposed to not think about love when I think about *her* at least once a day?
I can't believe it, and yet it's true. Hell, if anyone told me I'd laugh my arse off. 
And yet in six years there hasn't been a single day in which I haven't give her at least a passing thought.
It's not an obsession. {might sound untrue, but it's the truth}
It's just, out of the blue she sneaks into my thoughts and then *poof*. As I said {written?} a passing thought.
I had a point here, somewhere.

Oh right, same freaking mistake.
When I fell for her I didn't even realize until it was too late. Late for what? Closure, rejection, acceptance? I don't know. I just know that the 'love of my life' has happened without me noticing, and since then everything seems to be the same way. Big days come and go, and I'm never there. Heh, I'm probably looking like a freak, not being there while my own life goes on. Ok, as a teen I'm bound to be melodramatic and then some, but...
Heh, I'm a total disaster.
After teacher fiasco n°1, I couldn't get a grip and understand that maybe teachers aren't really my thing, noooo, I had to go and get fab teacher fiasco n°2!

Gosh. It's incredible. I...I almost had believed in it. I thought she...nevermind. I shouldn't have thought at all -it's well known my mental process isn't really healthy-. I knew she had a girl. I knew and I blissfully ignored it. Until the truth poked me and mocked me "See? She has a girl and she doesn't give a damn about you." Ok, maybe I *am* being melodramatic, but I can't help it, I just wanted to vent some.
So, I got my truth, my heartache yadda yadda. Bets on how long it'll last, anyone?

I hope I can manage tomorrow. Well, almost today. I have been in a foul mood all today, and it's not helping. Ah well, I'll need to go through with my plan in any case, ya know, for closure. I'll probably say something along the lines of "Hi, I wanted to ask you a thing which I shouldn't even have asked you since I already knew the answer, but I kept ignoring it so here I am to ask you anyway. However I already found out what I wanted to know, so goodbye and have a nice day."
Yeah, that'll do. Truly charming. Jeez.

Heh. See ya folks.